Our 2 angels. xx

Our 2 angels. xx
Rinty and Spring. xx

Odd One Out. A poem written by Sarah Edwards.

Why oh why are we odd ones out,
Night after night, I dream of more,
Time and time again, I say to myself,
The longing,wanting,hurting, feels so sore,
Will it be different for us,
No, I don’t seem to think,
Friends,family don’t understand,
Our feelings, our yearnings, our hopes and dreams.
Oh, there she is, the barren one,
Nothing can fill this empty space,
In my hearts desire, this tragic place,
In enters the stress, failure and desperation.
Just the same, month in, month out,
Soon the years begin to race by,
Why us, why me, why not one day,
Whatever did we do wrong to live this way.
Children laughing, playing, having fun,
Sounds of happiness and joy,
But here, there is just frozen silence,
For ever, feeling the pain inside,
People think in family ways, planning this and that,
Days out at the zoo, picnics and the seaside,
Bucket and spades, sand in your shoes,
We would love this, if only God would choose.
Empty homes, empty rooms, empty wombs,
Just us two, as one, as ever before,
Don’t get me wrong, the strong love is there,
Will always be, I will love you ever more,
Friends, colleagues,neighbours, forget you have none,
Just everyday planning of family fun,
This is all so easy and normal for you,
Then why oh why, cant we share it too…

Friday, 30 March 2012

Getting close

Well my hysterectomy is getting close now, i had my pre op yesterday. The nurses are a little worried aabout my blood pressure, so i am going to visit my gp on Monday to see if they can give me something to calm me down as im very anxious. This time next week i wont be a complete woman any more and no longer be able to dream of my miracle of ever having my own baby in my arms....

Saturday, 10 March 2012

Rambling on....

 Well im having a life changing operation on 4th April 2012. Im having a total hysterectomy with ovaries, tubes and cervix out. I know im feeling very emotional about it, it should make me feel better, but on the other hand i know it will mean the end of my dreams of ever having a baby. It hurts because i feel at times im not a proper woman. I feel empty. I knew before, we could never have children but this is just the end of any miracles that could happen. Dont get me wrong i want the operation because at the moment i have no quality of life. It just makes you think....

ESA Assesment

Im dreading Wednesday 14th March. I have an appointment to see if i can get some help financially while im off sick and after my hysterectomy. I have worked all my life and this is the first time ive asked for anything. Its just not fair. Some people i know of have never worked at all, they get hundreds of pounds each week.
I feel im being judged because im ill. Life is so not fair........

Saturday, 25 February 2012

Hysterectomy booked.

Went to see my new gynae consultant on 17th Feb, 2012. My new consultant Mr J Allsop was lovely, he actually sat and listened to me.
Ive had enough of the intense pain, as there was nothing else to try as ive tried lots already the time has come to get rid of it all...Im having a total abdominal hysterectomy with removaal of ovaries too.
Im hoping after a long recovery i can have some sort of life back.

Surgery is booked for 4th April, 2012. At Derby Royal City Hospital. Ward 209.

Saturday, 4 February 2012

4th Feb. 2012

Well i know i havent written for a while, it feels like life just slips by so fast. Im still suffering endo pains, i have now finished my monthly hormone injections, and just waiting to see what happens next, will my monthly cycle return to normal or not.
Ive been having other symptoms just lately, ie terrible bone/joint/muscle pain and tiredness all the time, so on Monday 6th Feb im having some blood tests.
The place i work have now stopped paying my SSP so i have had to try and claim for ESA, as i still cant go back to work yet.
Thanks to whoever reads this. I love you all.

Monday, 2 January 2012

Endo poem

My Enemy

Creeping, crawling through my body, you leave me in a heap;
Biting, burning through my pelvis, burying yourself down deep.

... I fight you hard, I dont give up but never seem to win;
Across my back I feel the pain, my hope just gets more dim.

You never leave me, never go, you wont leave me alone;
My body twists and I cant move, I hear myself just groan.

The pain's so bad, I cant describe, I really just cant say;
How bad it feels to have you here all of every day.

The doctors look me up and down as if I am insane;
I ask for help, I plead with them "just take away the pain".

They never help me properly, they never seem to know;
What causes this disease inside me to grow and grow and grow.

They cut me open, operate, "I'm better" is what they say;
A few months later I feel it back, have pain there every day.

"So try this hormone, stops the pain, you will be better with this";
And for a couple of wonderful weeks my life is complete bliss.

Well yes you guessed it, guess whats back, the minute that they stop;
My hope it crumbles, pain is back, my body seems to flop.

So what next, what do I do, should I have another test?
Back at the doctors they treat me like a complete and utter pest.

"We dont know what we're doing now, we dont know what to do;
Live with the pain, put on a smile, the rest is up to you".

I'll never win this evil fight, I'll always live in pain;
A cloudy head, a shattered heart, I feel like i'm insane.

You give me pain, take away my life, there's nothing I can do;
but stay at home, make no plans, throw up, run to the loo;

I feel so sad with this disease and how it ruins my life;
takes away the joy that i had and replaces it with strife.

Other people dont understand what this does to us;
Other women just look on and think we make a fuss.

So as you read this very poem, understand and dont assume;
That we want attention, or like to talk of gloom.

We won't give up our fight, as we cannot just give in;
To let you win and just give up would be a total sin.

And so dear Endo, just to say the longer that you stay;
The harder that I will fight to make you go away.